Wise as a serpent, Gentle as a dove

A good married friend told me the other day "I want to forgive him for the affair......I believe he has changed. I give the relationship my all, 100% and end up getting hurt regularly." I couldn't help but sit there and completely relate to what she was saying. I am a 100% or nothing person too. I pour my life into other people. When I do something, I give it my all and never hold back one ounce. I wonder if this is what gets us hurt.

I find myself at odds over this 100% or nothing concept. I use this technique in all my relationships...friendships, romance, and family. When did being in a relationship require a contract where the other person said..."sign on the dotted line" and the contract stated "you will give 100% of yourself to me at all times? Shouldn't it be 50/50?

I suppose I don't know how to find the "middle ground." The being comfortable with things just as they are. I suppose it is somewhere in me that all is not right unless I am exposed 100%, giving 100%, trusting 100% and believing 100%, even FIXING 100%. I especially find myself struggling with this concept when it comes to my father. For some reason, I feel that to love him means to go see him on a scheduled and consistent basis. That it is my duty as a Christian daughter to show him my committed love. And the 100% of me tells myself that it must be on a schedule.

The result of seeing him regularly is that I see a changed person. A person who has given himself to Christ. Who speaks differently, acts differently, and even appears different. I like the new person I see. I see someone who is repenting to Christ. I genuinely want to 100% believe that he would never commit an act like this again.

But wait...this is the person who murdered my mother. This is a person who has deeply hurt me. A hurt that is unexplainable, unfathomable, a deep deep wound. I find myself caught up in the "moment" where I see a changed person and so desperately want to believe that it is a different person who murdered my mother. That the person before me is not the same person who committed this crime.

That's the thing about damaged relationships, as much as there has been change, there is always the constant reminder of what was. God tells us to be as wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove. This sentence reminds me that it is ok to remember that my father murdered my mother AND it is also ok to show him the gentle love of the Holy Spirit. In God's gentleman like manner, he tells me that it is alright to find a "middle ground."

Damaged relationships are difficult to mend. The Lord tells us that it is ok to mend them, it is biblical to forgive them, even accept them as they are....but be as wise as a serpent (having the knowledge of what has happened and the wisdom to know what may occur in the future) and gentle as a dove (having pleasant words, acting with grace and love) when dealing with ones who can hurt your heart....for it can be easily hurt.

Love, Acceptance, Forgiveness

"If we are the body, why aren't our arms reaching, why aren't our hands teaching?...."

I have found an epidemic running through our church....our one, united, body of Christ, which we call a church. I have found judgment and hatred in all forms. This saddens me so much meet people who are afraid of going to church to worship. When asked why they would be afraid, the most common answer I receive is that they will be judged because of their lifestyle. Some may smoke, drink, have had affairs, an addiction of some kind...generally something that makes them embarrassed to be surrounded by what they consider to be "perfect Christians."

The message to the Corinthians in 1Corinthians 13:13 was "And now, these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I wonder where our church has gone wrong with emphasizing the LOVE part of this message. To love a person is to accept them just as they are. By loving someone who may not know the word, or maybe just isn't living in it, we as Christians show them the power of the Holy Spirit. I mention the Holy Spirit because it is very hard to not be angry with certain acts that a person can commit, but by enabling the Holy Spirit to take over and show us how to love, we are exposing this person to Christ.

I feel that the building that we all call "church" should be packed with people who we feel uncomfortable with. For Jesus did not spend time with people who already knew the Lord and believed that He was the Messiah, but rather he spent time with the most despicable people of the times.

Loving is not easy when it comes to the worldly view of things. Spending time with a murderer and showing them the love of the Lord comes with much condemnation. Each time I go to see my father, or take him a Christian book or a new bible, I am judged by others. Sadly enough, they cannot see that the Holy Spirit is working through me to show this love to my father.

I am suddenly taken back to a conversation that I had with my father. He mentioned that he was lost and searching for someone to talk to before killing my mother. He desperately wanted to be heard without being judged. He wanted to be heard and be loved. That leads me to wonder....how many other people in this world fall in the same predicament. Who else is afraid to enter a church and talk openly to a pastor or staff? Who else may be saved from a horrible decision or turned to Christ in a moment of desperation, if only they knew that the Church is a place where they can be loved?

When searching the Word for guidance on how to handle such an issue, Luke shares Jesus' words "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:37-38. I am a sinner...this I know. I have done some horrible things. I know that these things are not approved of by the Lord, but I know that when I ask for forgiveness and beg that He would show me the right way...He does. He also tells me in Luke 6:37-38...dear child, do not judge or condemn your father (or any other sinner for that matter). Forgive him, give him your love...for if you do these things, I will treat you the same. He tells me not to measure his sin, but use good measure. My interpretation of good measure is consultation with the Word.

I pray and hope for the Body of Christ, the Church, to search deep into what is the greatest of these....to love without bounds. To love first and then get to know someone.

Enduring Trials

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

When faced with a tragedy such as loosing a loved one, families usually come together or fall apart. I believe this happens because there is a lack of trust, faith and reliance upon the Lord to heal the pain that cuts so deep. In the New Testament, James explains to the new Christian followers how to endure trials of many kinds. I am not sure what kinds of trials he is referring to, but I am almost certain that the trial of loosing a mother at the hands of her husband falls somewhere in the "many kinds."

Sadly enough, families too often take the route of falling apart. It has becomes a complete lack of understanding amongst each other and selfish greiving which spurs the falling apart. When one party feels one way, and another party feels a different way, with no common ground or communication, relationships suffer.

It is a difficult thing to loose a parent, especially a mother, at a young age. I may venture to say that at any age it is difficult. There are so many memories shared between a mother and a child that are inexplainable and a bond that is unbroken. When a mother is lost, hope for things to occur in the future is also lost. Wedding days, having children, birthdays, holidays...all these will never be the same without her.

On top of the emotional issues that surround loosing a mother, falls the fact that a father is also "lost." I am not sure if anyone else has been through something of this nature, but a father is always a father. Love for a parent doesn't diminish because of a heinous act. Anger is there, but love has not been lost. When faced with the complicated relationship of a father in prison because he has killed my mother, I get lost in the rules of engagement...so to speak. What does this relationship look like?

The mere fact of having a relationship with him is exactly what has caused my family to fall apart. Deep in the softest place in my heart I consult with the Lord and ask for guidance. Do I condemn my father and forget he exists because my family hates him and wants me to hate him too? The Lord prompts me to love so I choose to love him. Loving him and forgiving him is exactly what my family is the most angry about. They cannot understand how I could do such a thing, and so they begin to shut me out. This hurts so deep because I have already lost a mother and a father and now am loosing my external family whom I hold so near and dear to my heart. The feeling is emptiness and loneliness and I am reminded too vividly of Job.

And in the moment of loving and being persecuted for loving, I am reminded of what James tells me....to find joy in this trial. Find joy because I know that I am following the Lord and following what He finds to be right and honoring. I will persevere through this trial of the persecution from my family with the strength and vindication of the Lord. I have faith in that. I trust in the Lord, that His word is infallible.


"Trust in him at all times, O people. pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

A close encounter with an angel

When I questioned the mightiness of the Lord, he sure did prove himself to me. I kept wondering, how big is our God anyway? Everyone talks about how big and great He is, but I just wasn't convinced of how BIG he was. Especially with the events surrounding my family and the evilness that had just occurred within my family.

One would think that after having my first prayer to Him answered so quickly, that would have smacked me in the face a little. I still was not sure. I hung close to my bible though. I even slept with it during that first week of the event surrounding the death of my mom. It seems weird to say that now, that I actually slept with my bible like it was a teddy bear, but honestly, nothing else could comfort me the way His words pressed to my heart could.

I woke up the next morning with much to do on my list. Go to the church to discuss arrangements about mom's memorial, go to the funeral home to sign paperwork, and finally, go see dad to make it all real...plus I had some questions for him. I was taking care of my tasks without breaking down. Looking back, I did quite well considering the circumstance, but really I was in the hands of angels the entire time. God had a way of providing for me the right person at the right time to help me with whatever I was dealing with. When I prayed for Him to take care of my family.....He took very good care of my family. We had people delivering breakfast, lunch and dinner, around the clock...we had transportation at all times and seemed to never be alone, but rather, always in the presence of a Christian who could pour into our lives.

Once I finished with the funeral home, I was utterly exhausted and nearly collapsed. I had to take some time to gather myself, when I noticed that we had a strange guest in the house. It was a police officer from another town whom I had never met. I was confused but sat down to see what I could help him with. He was just there to see if I was ok. This was strange!!! How did I know this person? He explained that he had just visited my father and shared the Bible with him. He had also spoken with my brother earlier and shared the Bible with him as well. HUH.....interesting! This wasn't just any police officer...this was a chaplain. A chaplain from another town that just so happened to be here on a very difficult day.

He asked if he could help me in any way and I thought of the next item on my agenda....going to see dad. Yes, he could help me....he could accompany me to see my father. On the way there, he explained that he knew how I was feeling. I almost got mad, but said..."no disrespect, but I am almost sure that you don't." He mentioned that he did because he had lost his mother the same way I lost mine.

Woah....this was profound. I had chills running up my spine. God...you are that great and BIG that you would send me an angel at the very moment I needed one to guide me through a most difficult task. Not only that, but an angel who has been through exactly what I have just gone through.

At that moment, I was a sold out Christian. Never to question the Lord again, or His strength, greatness or possibility. He is the Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth! Who am I to ever question him again?

And thus, my born again, sold out, Christian life begins!

Betrayal

"Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. All men will hate you because of Me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved" Matthew 10:21-22

Tuesday was a day of betrayal. We learned, after hours of investigation, interrogation, and agony that dad had taken the life of mom with his very own hands. I think it was most shocking to learn of both incidents together, mom was dead AND dad was her murderer. Taking a moment, but what seemed like an hour, to breath, I sat in the police station comfort room, in utter disbelief and shock. My concerns quickly turned to Jay as he had a completely different reaction. He went ballistic. Who wouldn't really....but especially him (being extremely close to both our parents). My older sister and motherly instincts kicked in. At that moment, I went from shock to super survival mode. I think I stayed in survival mode for the following 3 months.

Betray [bi-trey] - to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling.

My trust in my father, my family's trust in my father, my mother's trust in the sacrament of marriage, my mother's trust in my father.....all betrayed in one unimaginable act. I think it is natural for hate and anger to follow betrayal, it is especially talked about when speaking of the grieving process.....but I was still in disbelief. I needed solid proof, something concrete other than a confession by dad. Maybe that comes from an accounting and auditing background. Everything must be proved. How could a man who I have seen always love my mother, kiss her goodnight and good morning, do something like this?

WAIT.......MOM's DEAD! Ummmm, someone help, make both things go away. I was scrambling for air, scrambling for words, scrambling for sanity. And all of a sudden, I remembered that I had the Lord. I felt his right hand extending down to me, offering to help me and pick me up off the ground. He was perhaps the only thing I had at that very moment, and no one and nothing can take Him away.....ahhh a little comfort in a very uncomfortable time. That night, my first prayer was answered and God became very vivid in my life.

With family in town (about 20 people) and no place to stay the night, we began to scramble for a solution. We were utterly incapable of making any rational decisions, and at that very moment Cathy, my parent's neighbor, called with wonderful news. Someone from her church owned a hotel in the area and gave us 3 complimentary rooms for the night. I silently prayed what I like to call a "thank you prayer" to the Lord for answering my prayer of "please protect my family and either bring my mom safely home to you or safely home to us." He answered this solemn prayer in one day, and I knew that I was forever in the hands of the Lord!

"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." Matthew 5:6

The longest day of my life

Monday, March 26, 2007 was coming to a close and proving to be one of the longest days that I have endured.

As things wrapped up at the site where mom's car was found, along with her cell phone which was found in the dumpster in BAD condition, we went back home to face the reality of spending the night at mom and dad's house without mom.....without knowing where she was. I am not sure that anything else can be as frightening as going to sleep that first night with a loved one missing.

Before going to bed, I needed to pick AC and AS up at the airport. When I got there, we all burst into tears.... "it doesn't look good" I said to them, as I began to explain the events of the entire day that had taken place. I couldn't believe the words that were pouring from my mouth....they were real...I wasn't dreaming....this was all really happening.

Earlier, upon leaving the site where mom's car was found, I asked Cathy, my parent's neighbor, what she thought of the idea of me sleeping with dad for the night. I explained that I was terrified and that I knew dad was scared too....I didn't have a boyfriend or husband to comfort me, so it only felt natural to cuddle up with my father (who I knew was hurting). She said that she would do exactly the same thing. So later that night, after I got my aunts back to the house and everyone was winding down (with the help of some anti-anxiety medication), I explained that I was going to sleep with dad.

I laid there drifting off, wondering if mom was still alive. I thought of all the various scenarios....she was being held by an abductor who was hurting her, she had gone crazy and was wondering the streets delerious, she was no longer with us, she was scared, hurt, or something worse....tortured. As I tried to block these thoughts from my head, I couldn't help but blame myself....I was invited to come over and have dinner with them the day before, and I said no because I was exhausted from helping Habitat for Humanity build a home. I realized that it had been 2 weeks since I had actually been in the presence of my mom. Oh how I missed her at this very moment. This was the end of the first day of the rest of my life as I would begin to know it.

Confusion sets in

Dad and I decided to go out looking for mom's car. I was slightly nervous because finding her car abandoned meant that mom was abducted or something equally bad. We drove around for an hour with no luck. Fully exhausted and running on no energy, I suggested we head back home to start calling hospitals, wrecking companies, and the credit card companies again. Dad seemed to be in a daze and agreed to whatever I had to say. How was it that I was the one holding up so well? We got home and I went and sat on mom's favorite chair for a while. Looking around her bedroom, I observed things as she left them and began to cry. I cried for reasons I didn't even know, but I was terrified.

During this time, I felt a tug at my heart...not significant, but enough to notice that God was reaching out to me. A year ago I questioned how big our God really is. Everyone talks about how great and big our God is, but I only believed in Him,.....I never experienced Him first hand. I silently prayed the most genuine and heartfelt prayer I have ever prayed. "Lord, I need you. I cannot sustain this. This is bigger than me and I need your help to find mom. I know that you are watching over her, but please help me and protect me. I am scared Lord, more scared than I have been in my life. Send me your angels." And then I went next door to speak to one of the most Christian woman I have ever met, Cathy. Cathy prayed with me and cried with me and promised to help in any way possible. I felt a little comfort in a most confusing time.

4:00 pm was approaching and the situation was looking more serious by the minute. Something terrible really has happened to mom. I asked dad if he had called my brother Jay. He mentioned that he was waiting until he got off work to call and explain the situation. I finally called Jay on my own and handed the phone to dad. Jay immediately came over with his wife Mimi and baby Sierra. We all cried together and I kept telling dad and Jay, "we will find her."

Dad and Jay went out looking for her car again, as Mimi, Sierra and I went back to my place to let my beagle Mags out. As soon as we got to my place, my phone rang.....it was dad crying. I couldn't make out a word he was saying only "car" and "mom." I swallowed hard, "dad, did you find mom's car?" Yes he had and my heart sank.

Mimi and I raced back to the site where dad said the car was. By now it was raining and dark and was about 7 pm. I found dad hyperventillating in the back of Rachel's car. Police cars were everywhere, officers had their flashlights and were searching through the empty field behind mom's car. It was surreal. I grabbed dad's hand and prayed outloud again...."Lord, please protect my family. Bring mom safely home to you or safely home to us. Send your angels to us Lord."

The only thing I knew to do was put my trust, faith and hope in the Lord. I kept talking to Him like I had been meaning to my whole life. It was like being in the arms of a long lost friend. One that doesn't judge you for how long you avoided her or ignored her, but rather just happy that you were in her presence. It was the only thing that I knew to do. Everything else was just situational and I was surviving minute to minute.