Betrayal

"Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. All men will hate you because of Me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved" Matthew 10:21-22

Tuesday was a day of betrayal. We learned, after hours of investigation, interrogation, and agony that dad had taken the life of mom with his very own hands. I think it was most shocking to learn of both incidents together, mom was dead AND dad was her murderer. Taking a moment, but what seemed like an hour, to breath, I sat in the police station comfort room, in utter disbelief and shock. My concerns quickly turned to Jay as he had a completely different reaction. He went ballistic. Who wouldn't really....but especially him (being extremely close to both our parents). My older sister and motherly instincts kicked in. At that moment, I went from shock to super survival mode. I think I stayed in survival mode for the following 3 months.

Betray [bi-trey] - to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling.

My trust in my father, my family's trust in my father, my mother's trust in the sacrament of marriage, my mother's trust in my father.....all betrayed in one unimaginable act. I think it is natural for hate and anger to follow betrayal, it is especially talked about when speaking of the grieving process.....but I was still in disbelief. I needed solid proof, something concrete other than a confession by dad. Maybe that comes from an accounting and auditing background. Everything must be proved. How could a man who I have seen always love my mother, kiss her goodnight and good morning, do something like this?

WAIT.......MOM's DEAD! Ummmm, someone help, make both things go away. I was scrambling for air, scrambling for words, scrambling for sanity. And all of a sudden, I remembered that I had the Lord. I felt his right hand extending down to me, offering to help me and pick me up off the ground. He was perhaps the only thing I had at that very moment, and no one and nothing can take Him away.....ahhh a little comfort in a very uncomfortable time. That night, my first prayer was answered and God became very vivid in my life.

With family in town (about 20 people) and no place to stay the night, we began to scramble for a solution. We were utterly incapable of making any rational decisions, and at that very moment Cathy, my parent's neighbor, called with wonderful news. Someone from her church owned a hotel in the area and gave us 3 complimentary rooms for the night. I silently prayed what I like to call a "thank you prayer" to the Lord for answering my prayer of "please protect my family and either bring my mom safely home to you or safely home to us." He answered this solemn prayer in one day, and I knew that I was forever in the hands of the Lord!

"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." Matthew 5:6

The longest day of my life

Monday, March 26, 2007 was coming to a close and proving to be one of the longest days that I have endured.

As things wrapped up at the site where mom's car was found, along with her cell phone which was found in the dumpster in BAD condition, we went back home to face the reality of spending the night at mom and dad's house without mom.....without knowing where she was. I am not sure that anything else can be as frightening as going to sleep that first night with a loved one missing.

Before going to bed, I needed to pick AC and AS up at the airport. When I got there, we all burst into tears.... "it doesn't look good" I said to them, as I began to explain the events of the entire day that had taken place. I couldn't believe the words that were pouring from my mouth....they were real...I wasn't dreaming....this was all really happening.

Earlier, upon leaving the site where mom's car was found, I asked Cathy, my parent's neighbor, what she thought of the idea of me sleeping with dad for the night. I explained that I was terrified and that I knew dad was scared too....I didn't have a boyfriend or husband to comfort me, so it only felt natural to cuddle up with my father (who I knew was hurting). She said that she would do exactly the same thing. So later that night, after I got my aunts back to the house and everyone was winding down (with the help of some anti-anxiety medication), I explained that I was going to sleep with dad.

I laid there drifting off, wondering if mom was still alive. I thought of all the various scenarios....she was being held by an abductor who was hurting her, she had gone crazy and was wondering the streets delerious, she was no longer with us, she was scared, hurt, or something worse....tortured. As I tried to block these thoughts from my head, I couldn't help but blame myself....I was invited to come over and have dinner with them the day before, and I said no because I was exhausted from helping Habitat for Humanity build a home. I realized that it had been 2 weeks since I had actually been in the presence of my mom. Oh how I missed her at this very moment. This was the end of the first day of the rest of my life as I would begin to know it.

Confusion sets in

Dad and I decided to go out looking for mom's car. I was slightly nervous because finding her car abandoned meant that mom was abducted or something equally bad. We drove around for an hour with no luck. Fully exhausted and running on no energy, I suggested we head back home to start calling hospitals, wrecking companies, and the credit card companies again. Dad seemed to be in a daze and agreed to whatever I had to say. How was it that I was the one holding up so well? We got home and I went and sat on mom's favorite chair for a while. Looking around her bedroom, I observed things as she left them and began to cry. I cried for reasons I didn't even know, but I was terrified.

During this time, I felt a tug at my heart...not significant, but enough to notice that God was reaching out to me. A year ago I questioned how big our God really is. Everyone talks about how great and big our God is, but I only believed in Him,.....I never experienced Him first hand. I silently prayed the most genuine and heartfelt prayer I have ever prayed. "Lord, I need you. I cannot sustain this. This is bigger than me and I need your help to find mom. I know that you are watching over her, but please help me and protect me. I am scared Lord, more scared than I have been in my life. Send me your angels." And then I went next door to speak to one of the most Christian woman I have ever met, Cathy. Cathy prayed with me and cried with me and promised to help in any way possible. I felt a little comfort in a most confusing time.

4:00 pm was approaching and the situation was looking more serious by the minute. Something terrible really has happened to mom. I asked dad if he had called my brother Jay. He mentioned that he was waiting until he got off work to call and explain the situation. I finally called Jay on my own and handed the phone to dad. Jay immediately came over with his wife Mimi and baby Sierra. We all cried together and I kept telling dad and Jay, "we will find her."

Dad and Jay went out looking for her car again, as Mimi, Sierra and I went back to my place to let my beagle Mags out. As soon as we got to my place, my phone rang.....it was dad crying. I couldn't make out a word he was saying only "car" and "mom." I swallowed hard, "dad, did you find mom's car?" Yes he had and my heart sank.

Mimi and I raced back to the site where dad said the car was. By now it was raining and dark and was about 7 pm. I found dad hyperventillating in the back of Rachel's car. Police cars were everywhere, officers had their flashlights and were searching through the empty field behind mom's car. It was surreal. I grabbed dad's hand and prayed outloud again...."Lord, please protect my family. Bring mom safely home to you or safely home to us. Send your angels to us Lord."

The only thing I knew to do was put my trust, faith and hope in the Lord. I kept talking to Him like I had been meaning to my whole life. It was like being in the arms of a long lost friend. One that doesn't judge you for how long you avoided her or ignored her, but rather just happy that you were in her presence. It was the only thing that I knew to do. Everything else was just situational and I was surviving minute to minute.

Panic and Chaos

I flew down the freeway, bawling like a baby (which felt good because I hadn't cried in a long time) thinking...is this for real. I quickly called Aunt Calmness (AC)* who I knew would calm me down and give me the advice that I needed. I was headed to the police department in mom's town...not really knowing what I was going to do when I got there, but it seemed like the most logical place to start.

AC instructed me to file a missing person's report and call her when I made progress...she was going to try to find a flight out from CA should the situation get any dire.

Scared, frustrated, and panicked, I told the woman at the police station what I was there for. She explained that a missing persons report couldn't be filed unless the person was missing for so many hours. I was furious....I knew my mom would not just vanish...she is the kind of person to call if she is 2 minutes late. I tried not to yell, but asked to talk to an officer. The officer and I went through the normal questions....describe mom, vehicle, clothes,....wait.....who was the last person to see mom? Dad.....well where was he??? As I sat there, explaining that my parents are happily married and dad is on a business trip, which was normal, I thought for the 100th time....is this for real?

The officer explained that there were no accidents in the area and that he would send out people to begin to look out for mom's car. In the meantime, I frantically called dad....begging him to turn around and come home. He mentioned that he needed to complete this business meeting first, but would return after it was complete. And so, I went to the folks home to being searching for clues..... Mom was missing!!!!! PANIC set in.

Chaos began as I tore the house apart looking for credit card statements to call and see if there had been any activity. I pulled out mom's social security card from the files, called all credit card companies pretending to be her and requested information for any activity on the accounts. NOTHING!!! I pulled up their bank account online (the one that I helped mom create since she is a little computer challenged). No activity at all! THIS IS WEIRD!!!!

As I was digging through dad's desk at the house, I found his wedding ring, buried in the back of the drawer. At almost the same time, as Rachel was helping me look through the house, she came into the room "You need to see something" she said. I followed her back to mom and dad's room, as she pointed at mom's jewelry box. There was her wedding band set, lying on top of the box. I got chills up and down my body. Mom NEVER left the house without her wedding ring. The woman would clean, cook and pull weeds with her rings on. Something was strangely wrong.

I gathered the energy to call AC and explain that she should probably come out, along with "Aunt Spunky" (AS), both mom's sisters. I don't remember anything up to the point that dad walked in the door, but the important thing was that he was home. I ran to the front door, embraced dad as he cried into my head. We were headed for a bumpy ride......

"Dear Heavenly Father, please protect my mother. Please either bring her safely home to you or safely home to us. Lord, protect our family. Send your angels to us. In Your heavenly name I pray." This I prayed outloud as I gripped my dad for dear life.

Missing Mom

I woke up out of a nice deep sleep at around 4:00am, shaken to my core. Just thinking it was an intense dream, I tried to go back to sleep until the dreaded alarm clock went off and I hit snooze for the tenth time. Ughhh...time to get in the shower. Something didn't feel right about this morning though. I felt sick to my stomach and weak. Dreading the 14 hour day that would be put in at the office, and knowing that I was already running late, I let my cell phone ring and intended for it to go to voice mail. Wait...it is 7:00 am and my cell phone is ringing already...hmmm maybe it was my manager letting me know what needed to be done that day. I glanced over at it, "Rachel." What in the world...she is two hours in time behind me, what is wrong, I thought.

That was the last sane thought I had for the day and for the following 4 months.

It wasn't my friend Rachel, but my mom's co-worker and best friend Rachel. I had forgotten that I put her in my phone after she doggie-sat my beagle. She was frantic but calm saying "have you spoke to your mom today?" WHAT!?!? it is 7:00 am, no I haven't had the chance to call her today. I politely said no, but asked if there was a problem. Yes, there was....a bigger problem than I ever imagined I would have in my lifetime. My mother had not shown up to work, was an hour late and was nowhere to be found.

I panicked....called my dad and explained the situation. He was on his way to a business trip and said that mom left the house before he did and wasn't sure why she wouldn't be there. Was this real....was I dreaming....did I just need to go back to sleep?

Being the total over-reactor that I am, I freaked out. Called my manager and said the strangest sentence that I have ever said in my life...."I can't come in today, my mom has gone missing and I am not sure what is going on." Looking back on that conversation, I am sure that he had a million thoughts going through his head, but mostly, I felt like an idiot. Surely I was overreacting and would be laughing at myself in an hour right....mom's just don't disappear. I would later learn that they do.