Abundant Blessings

I haven't posted a new blog in quite some time and I find it ironic that as we approach July 25th (what would have been my mother's 50th birthday) I am drawn back to my blog. I have to admit, re-reading all my previous posts reminded me of how much God has blessed me and how much emotional progress I have made.

While dealing with my mother's death has taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally, I find that my efforts of putting God first in my life has taken me down a path that I never would have imagined. So here is where I meet my fork in the road....here is where God took me down the path least expected.....

While canceling my mom's cell phone plan, I met my husband. I completely threw myself at him while he was helping me at the cell phone store. I couldn't believe myself...I mean I was in the middle of grief and here I was flirting and asking this stranger to meet me for dinner. The short of the long of it is that we met, we hit it off and we dated. After a year of dating, we both knew this was something special. We got engaged on Feb 7, 2008 and married on March 14, 2009.

I like to think that God sent a guardian angel to me at the request of my mom and guided me towards happiness. Someone wise once told me that "it was as if your mom had to die so that you could live." I pondered that for a while, but it is true. I was never happy and had many dark secrets that were inflicted from my imperfect family situation that required some dealing with. I don't think I would have ever dealt with the magnitude of these situations had my mom's passing not prompted me to turn to therapy. Once in therapy, my husband, fiance at the time, was there for me 100% and it grew us closer. He now understands me at a level that I never knew was possible of anyone. He supports me for me, not for the fluff that he met. Not for the nice figure that he first saw, not for the smooth talk that we first conversed with. He fell in love with me for 100% of who I really am.

I am sooooo blessed!

The wedding was tough without mom or dad, but we made it through and it was beautiful. Now I am enjoying the struggles and the excitement of married life.

The abundant blessing blog will be continued.......

A Year Already

On the day of my mom's funeral I didn't cry. I sat there and was highly disturbed by the fact that I wasn't bawling. I did shed a few tears...I am not that calloused. But I guess I was still in too much shock to illicit any extreme emotions. A few months following the event, I wondered if I was just really strong enough to deal with losing my mother and having my father behind bars. This haunting thought continued to follow me well into the 10-11 month stretch after mom's passing. It has left me confused, frustrated and at times angry with myself. But by this final 12th month, my emotions finally caught up with me.

I guess it was just too good to be true. Everyone was praising me for how I have been dealing, coping, handling my grief. I started to believe that I was in fact an astonishingly strong person. I lied to myself. Is it possible that emotions stored up can come exploding out in full force? Now I find myself in a mess of water. Tears that flow for reasons I have no idea and reasons that cannot be fully explained. Grief in it's full form, ugly, miserable, antagonizing, painful, agonizing. I have no idea why the thoughts that I have come to my mind. Things like making homemade orange juice with mom at age 3, her brushing my hair and braiding it into perfectly beautiful french braids, the sound of her voice when I am searching for advice, her mowing the lawn and gardening on a sunny day, her smile! But they come at almost every minute of the day. I wonder if my world might ever be the same. Will my brain be able to be calm and steady once again? Can I go through another day without having to "check" out? Will I ever be able to go back to the 9-5? Oh Lord, please meet me in this pain. Please put out the fire of suffering!

Life has been dramatically altered. I no longer have someone to go to when I need to complain about how rude the checker at the grocery store was to me, and know that she would 100% take my side and agree with me because she unconditionally loves me. No one to ask about what I was like as a little girl. No one to come running with soup and a motherly touch when I am held up in bed with a horrible cold. I am too young to be stripped of these normal things.
And then I begin to think of all the children out there who are orphans, or living in undesirable situations. I had a normal childhood when compared to these and I begin to become grateful for the small amount of time I shared with my mother.

But I do wonder what life looks like for me now. I feel as though I am suspended in some sort of limbo land where moving forward is inevitable, looking back is painful and dealing with the now is excruciatingly difficult. It really has been almost a year! A year of not talking to, seeing, hearing, laughing with, hugging my mom. Oh how a year passes too quickly and at the same time extremely slow.

Wise as a serpent, Gentle as a dove

A good married friend told me the other day "I want to forgive him for the affair......I believe he has changed. I give the relationship my all, 100% and end up getting hurt regularly." I couldn't help but sit there and completely relate to what she was saying. I am a 100% or nothing person too. I pour my life into other people. When I do something, I give it my all and never hold back one ounce. I wonder if this is what gets us hurt.

I find myself at odds over this 100% or nothing concept. I use this technique in all my relationships...friendships, romance, and family. When did being in a relationship require a contract where the other person said..."sign on the dotted line" and the contract stated "you will give 100% of yourself to me at all times? Shouldn't it be 50/50?

I suppose I don't know how to find the "middle ground." The being comfortable with things just as they are. I suppose it is somewhere in me that all is not right unless I am exposed 100%, giving 100%, trusting 100% and believing 100%, even FIXING 100%. I especially find myself struggling with this concept when it comes to my father. For some reason, I feel that to love him means to go see him on a scheduled and consistent basis. That it is my duty as a Christian daughter to show him my committed love. And the 100% of me tells myself that it must be on a schedule.

The result of seeing him regularly is that I see a changed person. A person who has given himself to Christ. Who speaks differently, acts differently, and even appears different. I like the new person I see. I see someone who is repenting to Christ. I genuinely want to 100% believe that he would never commit an act like this again.

But wait...this is the person who murdered my mother. This is a person who has deeply hurt me. A hurt that is unexplainable, unfathomable, a deep deep wound. I find myself caught up in the "moment" where I see a changed person and so desperately want to believe that it is a different person who murdered my mother. That the person before me is not the same person who committed this crime.

That's the thing about damaged relationships, as much as there has been change, there is always the constant reminder of what was. God tells us to be as wise as a serpent and as gentle as a dove. This sentence reminds me that it is ok to remember that my father murdered my mother AND it is also ok to show him the gentle love of the Holy Spirit. In God's gentleman like manner, he tells me that it is alright to find a "middle ground."

Damaged relationships are difficult to mend. The Lord tells us that it is ok to mend them, it is biblical to forgive them, even accept them as they are....but be as wise as a serpent (having the knowledge of what has happened and the wisdom to know what may occur in the future) and gentle as a dove (having pleasant words, acting with grace and love) when dealing with ones who can hurt your heart....for it can be easily hurt.

Love, Acceptance, Forgiveness

"If we are the body, why aren't our arms reaching, why aren't our hands teaching?...."

I have found an epidemic running through our church....our one, united, body of Christ, which we call a church. I have found judgment and hatred in all forms. This saddens me so much meet people who are afraid of going to church to worship. When asked why they would be afraid, the most common answer I receive is that they will be judged because of their lifestyle. Some may smoke, drink, have had affairs, an addiction of some kind...generally something that makes them embarrassed to be surrounded by what they consider to be "perfect Christians."

The message to the Corinthians in 1Corinthians 13:13 was "And now, these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I wonder where our church has gone wrong with emphasizing the LOVE part of this message. To love a person is to accept them just as they are. By loving someone who may not know the word, or maybe just isn't living in it, we as Christians show them the power of the Holy Spirit. I mention the Holy Spirit because it is very hard to not be angry with certain acts that a person can commit, but by enabling the Holy Spirit to take over and show us how to love, we are exposing this person to Christ.

I feel that the building that we all call "church" should be packed with people who we feel uncomfortable with. For Jesus did not spend time with people who already knew the Lord and believed that He was the Messiah, but rather he spent time with the most despicable people of the times.

Loving is not easy when it comes to the worldly view of things. Spending time with a murderer and showing them the love of the Lord comes with much condemnation. Each time I go to see my father, or take him a Christian book or a new bible, I am judged by others. Sadly enough, they cannot see that the Holy Spirit is working through me to show this love to my father.

I am suddenly taken back to a conversation that I had with my father. He mentioned that he was lost and searching for someone to talk to before killing my mother. He desperately wanted to be heard without being judged. He wanted to be heard and be loved. That leads me to wonder....how many other people in this world fall in the same predicament. Who else is afraid to enter a church and talk openly to a pastor or staff? Who else may be saved from a horrible decision or turned to Christ in a moment of desperation, if only they knew that the Church is a place where they can be loved?

When searching the Word for guidance on how to handle such an issue, Luke shares Jesus' words "Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Luke 6:37-38. I am a sinner...this I know. I have done some horrible things. I know that these things are not approved of by the Lord, but I know that when I ask for forgiveness and beg that He would show me the right way...He does. He also tells me in Luke 6:37-38...dear child, do not judge or condemn your father (or any other sinner for that matter). Forgive him, give him your love...for if you do these things, I will treat you the same. He tells me not to measure his sin, but use good measure. My interpretation of good measure is consultation with the Word.

I pray and hope for the Body of Christ, the Church, to search deep into what is the greatest of these....to love without bounds. To love first and then get to know someone.

Enduring Trials

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing." James 1:2-4

When faced with a tragedy such as loosing a loved one, families usually come together or fall apart. I believe this happens because there is a lack of trust, faith and reliance upon the Lord to heal the pain that cuts so deep. In the New Testament, James explains to the new Christian followers how to endure trials of many kinds. I am not sure what kinds of trials he is referring to, but I am almost certain that the trial of loosing a mother at the hands of her husband falls somewhere in the "many kinds."

Sadly enough, families too often take the route of falling apart. It has becomes a complete lack of understanding amongst each other and selfish greiving which spurs the falling apart. When one party feels one way, and another party feels a different way, with no common ground or communication, relationships suffer.

It is a difficult thing to loose a parent, especially a mother, at a young age. I may venture to say that at any age it is difficult. There are so many memories shared between a mother and a child that are inexplainable and a bond that is unbroken. When a mother is lost, hope for things to occur in the future is also lost. Wedding days, having children, birthdays, holidays...all these will never be the same without her.

On top of the emotional issues that surround loosing a mother, falls the fact that a father is also "lost." I am not sure if anyone else has been through something of this nature, but a father is always a father. Love for a parent doesn't diminish because of a heinous act. Anger is there, but love has not been lost. When faced with the complicated relationship of a father in prison because he has killed my mother, I get lost in the rules of engagement...so to speak. What does this relationship look like?

The mere fact of having a relationship with him is exactly what has caused my family to fall apart. Deep in the softest place in my heart I consult with the Lord and ask for guidance. Do I condemn my father and forget he exists because my family hates him and wants me to hate him too? The Lord prompts me to love so I choose to love him. Loving him and forgiving him is exactly what my family is the most angry about. They cannot understand how I could do such a thing, and so they begin to shut me out. This hurts so deep because I have already lost a mother and a father and now am loosing my external family whom I hold so near and dear to my heart. The feeling is emptiness and loneliness and I am reminded too vividly of Job.

And in the moment of loving and being persecuted for loving, I am reminded of what James tells me....to find joy in this trial. Find joy because I know that I am following the Lord and following what He finds to be right and honoring. I will persevere through this trial of the persecution from my family with the strength and vindication of the Lord. I have faith in that. I trust in the Lord, that His word is infallible.


"Trust in him at all times, O people. pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

A close encounter with an angel

When I questioned the mightiness of the Lord, he sure did prove himself to me. I kept wondering, how big is our God anyway? Everyone talks about how big and great He is, but I just wasn't convinced of how BIG he was. Especially with the events surrounding my family and the evilness that had just occurred within my family.

One would think that after having my first prayer to Him answered so quickly, that would have smacked me in the face a little. I still was not sure. I hung close to my bible though. I even slept with it during that first week of the event surrounding the death of my mom. It seems weird to say that now, that I actually slept with my bible like it was a teddy bear, but honestly, nothing else could comfort me the way His words pressed to my heart could.

I woke up the next morning with much to do on my list. Go to the church to discuss arrangements about mom's memorial, go to the funeral home to sign paperwork, and finally, go see dad to make it all real...plus I had some questions for him. I was taking care of my tasks without breaking down. Looking back, I did quite well considering the circumstance, but really I was in the hands of angels the entire time. God had a way of providing for me the right person at the right time to help me with whatever I was dealing with. When I prayed for Him to take care of my family.....He took very good care of my family. We had people delivering breakfast, lunch and dinner, around the clock...we had transportation at all times and seemed to never be alone, but rather, always in the presence of a Christian who could pour into our lives.

Once I finished with the funeral home, I was utterly exhausted and nearly collapsed. I had to take some time to gather myself, when I noticed that we had a strange guest in the house. It was a police officer from another town whom I had never met. I was confused but sat down to see what I could help him with. He was just there to see if I was ok. This was strange!!! How did I know this person? He explained that he had just visited my father and shared the Bible with him. He had also spoken with my brother earlier and shared the Bible with him as well. HUH.....interesting! This wasn't just any police officer...this was a chaplain. A chaplain from another town that just so happened to be here on a very difficult day.

He asked if he could help me in any way and I thought of the next item on my agenda....going to see dad. Yes, he could help me....he could accompany me to see my father. On the way there, he explained that he knew how I was feeling. I almost got mad, but said..."no disrespect, but I am almost sure that you don't." He mentioned that he did because he had lost his mother the same way I lost mine.

Woah....this was profound. I had chills running up my spine. God...you are that great and BIG that you would send me an angel at the very moment I needed one to guide me through a most difficult task. Not only that, but an angel who has been through exactly what I have just gone through.

At that moment, I was a sold out Christian. Never to question the Lord again, or His strength, greatness or possibility. He is the Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth! Who am I to ever question him again?

And thus, my born again, sold out, Christian life begins!

Betrayal

"Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child; children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. All men will hate you because of Me, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved" Matthew 10:21-22

Tuesday was a day of betrayal. We learned, after hours of investigation, interrogation, and agony that dad had taken the life of mom with his very own hands. I think it was most shocking to learn of both incidents together, mom was dead AND dad was her murderer. Taking a moment, but what seemed like an hour, to breath, I sat in the police station comfort room, in utter disbelief and shock. My concerns quickly turned to Jay as he had a completely different reaction. He went ballistic. Who wouldn't really....but especially him (being extremely close to both our parents). My older sister and motherly instincts kicked in. At that moment, I went from shock to super survival mode. I think I stayed in survival mode for the following 3 months.

Betray [bi-trey] - to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling.

My trust in my father, my family's trust in my father, my mother's trust in the sacrament of marriage, my mother's trust in my father.....all betrayed in one unimaginable act. I think it is natural for hate and anger to follow betrayal, it is especially talked about when speaking of the grieving process.....but I was still in disbelief. I needed solid proof, something concrete other than a confession by dad. Maybe that comes from an accounting and auditing background. Everything must be proved. How could a man who I have seen always love my mother, kiss her goodnight and good morning, do something like this?

WAIT.......MOM's DEAD! Ummmm, someone help, make both things go away. I was scrambling for air, scrambling for words, scrambling for sanity. And all of a sudden, I remembered that I had the Lord. I felt his right hand extending down to me, offering to help me and pick me up off the ground. He was perhaps the only thing I had at that very moment, and no one and nothing can take Him away.....ahhh a little comfort in a very uncomfortable time. That night, my first prayer was answered and God became very vivid in my life.

With family in town (about 20 people) and no place to stay the night, we began to scramble for a solution. We were utterly incapable of making any rational decisions, and at that very moment Cathy, my parent's neighbor, called with wonderful news. Someone from her church owned a hotel in the area and gave us 3 complimentary rooms for the night. I silently prayed what I like to call a "thank you prayer" to the Lord for answering my prayer of "please protect my family and either bring my mom safely home to you or safely home to us." He answered this solemn prayer in one day, and I knew that I was forever in the hands of the Lord!

"Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled." Matthew 5:6